Never before have I been so turned upside down by a decision... Actually, probably not true, but it feels like it in this moment. At the precipice. The mind was just jumping back and forth chaotically, and I was chasing that little bugger down. Hoping for an answer that rang true.
One side of the fence felt dense and dark. As if I had to move through, push through a rite of passage into manhood. To break the seal on my own boyhood, and challenge difficult obstacles of growth. Commitment, responsibility. The pledge. Feels thick and sacrificial. I still don't know if I needed to move towards this in such a way, but I did. And I am here. Still. Feels like better off for it. But honestly, just here. Still.
The other side of the fence felt like freedom and new goals, and dreams. I have dreamt before, and woke up with a very harsh reality of the lack of execution involved. Follow me as I reckon with this uncertainty. If you will... To know myself, and know the mistakes I have made before. Listening to either of these voices as the whole truth. And the pendulum swings.
To commit to something. Something you should be grateful for by golly. An opportunity, so many would swoon over. Truth in some way...
To love yourself enough to know you deserve better. To take on the responsibility of creating your own dream anew. Very real too.
To recognize the growth of another with respect to your sharing. Cool. Very cool. Enough? Should be. Something's missing. The key to my soul. A depth. Continue searching. Hurriedly for that matter. Hustle and bustle. More means something ought to stick. For certain. I swear. By God. Oh, there He is. Pardon me, "IT" is? Is there a word to describe *blank* blahhh.
It's a feeling.
Yeah, you just know.
I know a lot of things.
How's that been working for you lately?
Almost to the bottom of it...
Why don't you just go over there by that chair in the sun and close your eyes. You'll thank me.
Ok, why not take a rest. Smart call God. Then I'll be rejuvenated to push through and figure out the entire universe the next time I open my computer.
Cute. Close your eyes my child. I'm glad you can finally hear me through all that blaring noise cutting out the bliss of your existence.
You're right, it's been a while. It's loud in here sometimes.
Shhh. Settle in. Relax. Surrender.