Have you ever felt happy to be sad? Have you ever felt lightness from death? Why do we run from death? Why do we so deeply mistrust not knowing? Fear sends us scrambling. Out of our perfect little routine, our tunnel vision views. Our family and friends and situations we build as a wall to growth. To opening up and humbly recognizing that we don't know anything. We truly do not. So we can throw the energy of opinions around hostilly or blame another for our woes. But at the end of the day, we sit alone staring at the mirror at the only one that can get us out of this mess. I``t's so safe to have distractions, layers of excuses, a perimeter of lables, knowledge knowing. So what if we say "yes"?
I have recently teamed upw ith a new partner, the standout All-american setter from Stanford, and recent National team player, James Shaw. We will be at the very least sharing a side of the court for the January 2nd tourney in FL. What a poetic unfolding. Very cool to meet someone in which you have so much in common to bond over immediately. The big easy is making the transition to the beach, and it is my honor to pass along my medium amount of experience to a stud that will greatly surpass me at one point in his career. But that is the least of my worries, my appreciation lies in what we were able to connect upon off the court.... Who are we as humans? What do our lives look like off the courts? Similar trajectories. Similar spirits to be the best we can be, the urge, the will to give it all. Side by side with a yearning, a pulling, a growing desire to be balanced, to be known for somethign other than beating a volleyball. It's an interesting give and take. One that has challenged me immeasurably. Choices aroubnd every corner. Ramifications for actions. No matter what there will be waves in every direction. We intend the hioghest and best for all, yet have to live with the fact that decisions can reverberate negatively too. We cannot run around fixing every little blade of grass we step on nor completely run from our actions. The karmic wheel keeps on turning. AndI'm done controlling an dmanicuring every move I make with such a hyper vigilance to the world around me. It's a paranoid existence. To assmeble ourselves as if we have to or else we will fall tot he ground everyday. This is only true in the case of someone wearing a mask. Not comfortable enough with the real them so they continue to cover their tracks, creating a version of themselves that others will like. So that they are man enough, so that they are successful enough. Energetically draining. We are capable of all of it, if we accept the dance. The dance of the perfect imperfection. Lettitng go of the reins a bit. A lot maybe hopefully. If our values are strong enough in how we act, what we believe in, we can. firmly step towards our destinies. It's such a fickle feeling to determine when we will launch towards our goals. The fears of going after our dreams hold us just long enough for the vision to be clear enough. It serves a purpose.
So as we chatted, philosophized, meandered like a babbling brook forming one relative river of experience, connecting the dots to our existence. Sharing stories that shaped us, and watching them release into the cosmos without a worrym, rolling off of our shoulders and chests. Sitting here, processibng our connection it has me wondering what I learned, how I can grow. An open mindedness, true open mindedness, is saying yes? Yes to the spirit of the universe and where it takes us while understanding that discernment has a place too. It's tricky if you try to put your finger on it. Mnetally engaging it. Do we surrender, sit back and let the dreams come to us, or do we create it? The ebb and flow of the universe. Where are you on this path? Has yuour spirit been sending messages to move on, towards somethignt hat makes you beameth alive. We do not know all there is to know, nor do we know everything that has yet to make our spirit sing. Yet the longer we live behind the mask, the longer we shield oursleves from true growth. Truly knowing a deeper part of ourselves as uncertain. It's your blend. It's your path. These tyimes have been challenging. A lot of black and white opinions. More gray area to be colored with kindness, more room for expression and emotion. Mixed emotions. Difficult emotions. Struggles seen, and heard and resonated with and related. Times where people tell you to buck up and appreciate this life. Times for tenderness, and nurturing pains of the past. Just let it out whatever it is.Let it burst tot he surfce. Anything you have been withholding.
I am so hard on myself for needing to know right now. For pretending to know all the answers and living from a limited scope. Sometimes I open up and listen and learn, sometimes I need to protect what I believ ina nd hold dear to. But the more that I stick to one end of the spectrum as who I am, the more I sense it drifting away into a need for order. Like alost sheep beggig for stillness in an ever chaging landscape. When we focus outside of oursleves our environment changes yet if we look depper within and build that foundation. We hold peace, we hold a stillness that cannot shift. We will always return to that place. Do we even need to build it? I'm so sick of fucking making my words work fro another. I need to set my creative spirit free. To fly and remove the guilt. To stop deleting charcters in a never ending loop of self sabotage. To let our a messiness. Crayons everywhere. Fuck it. Inspiring others to break loose of these shackles. I said fuck. I'm a coach. How dare I? It feels good, so I'm going to do it. Not to damage the gentle minds of our future but to empower them to speak their mind their truth. To deal with the complexities of emotion by just frickin expressin. Not needing to know where the conversation will head1. Letting go. I have been damaged, but I will be alright. I have always been alright. I will continue to step into my hioghest light. Not one that negates negativity. But one that is light and dark, purely me. No voice inside your head listened to in defeated seclusion. No more avoiding the spotlight, the challnges. No more editing out of perfection mindset. No more worrying about stirring the pot, or affecting soembody's fragile ego. I have been scared to rattle cages, to deal with having an opinion. So this is what is busting loose. I didn't think I would write about this. I just went through m yown mini melodrama to get here, but I'm here. And whether or not anyone lieks it. Fuck off. It's mine. You can;t take that away from me. Before you think you're steering me in the right direction, look inward and recognize whetgher anything you say could ever be concrete. When we pass along advice, we pass along our pain. When we listen with an open heart and mind, we allow for epiphanies and beautifdul THINGS,. Once again all of this is just bubbling out. Spellcheck autocorreect an art form its own. Not between the lines, a new game. Free at last Im free at last.
Or am I? I styill care. Shit