So, I was talking to my psychologist today… for the umpteenth time about relationship patterns. He has this remarkable way of leading me to a higher version of myself, to see my reflection in a light that is more digestible. I call him “the Dad I pay for.” He relates well to the part of my soul that craves exposure. The part of myself malnourished in the past. The musical, theatrical, artistic, colorful, flowy flirtatious side that hasn’t seen the sun in years. I finished our session today smiling from ear to ear. Most times if this is the case, it is because he has illuminated something in me that I find palatable or inspiring, something unseen to me that deeply resonates with the direction I intend. He can pull a passion out of me that feels trapped at times and dulled by my own victim mentality. In today’s case, it was quite the opposite. I found incredible joy in not taking myself so damn seriously! Haha! A mischievous feeling wherein you are grateful to be free from your own circus. Lightened by the shadow of the grand scheme of things. Feeling all the times of “certain demise” as so laughable.
We will call my shrink Archibald for protective purposes. So, Archie, brought up a good point today. He has a southern twang. He says, “Now listen here, Chester. I see a theme developing in your relationships. You’ve gotta go deep inside that swirling abyss of a mind, and calm that storm. Or else that house you built on sand gon’ fly away! Where’s your foundation grasshopper?” Ok, he didn’t say that. But, that was the gist of it. He brought up the parable of the house built on sand versus the house built on rock. And it hit home hard! It seems that most of us these days walk around looking for someone to build it for us or with us. At least, thats the way I subconsciously craved relationships. While I believe we need each other, and it is healthy to lean on others for support there are times when we need to go it alone. From this space, awareness brews. Codependent tendencies enlightened. Searching without, externally hoping. The parable is about foundation. Founded in a religious context, this points to a bedrock of God, wherein your stability is built on something deeper, more meaningful. A trust in a higher purpose, the process. Deeply rooted in values embodied in execution. Words blow away. Something more concrete lies a little deeper within.
Epiphany. I haven’t laughed this thoroughly in a long time. So, as he’s explaining this parable, my mind cannot help but wander to an image of myself. I’m sitting on a property with nothing but the studs. Ground floor. There’s patio furniture lying in the dust, and I’m welcoming people in with this Stepford smile. “Welcome to my home, isn’t it lovely? Here, let me take your coat. Have a seat. Let me get you a beverage.” No walls. But endless windows. Watch for rain. I seriously thought my house was built. Or at the very least, I had this inflated sense of having the world figured out. I felt so sure. So sure, that I thought I was ready to tell others how to endeavor in this journey. As if I had cracked the code to some mythical lockbox and everyone would be so lucky as to smell my farts and gain the wisdom of truly being alive. And now I feel so grounded in the fact that I have only just begun. It sincerely made me respect and understand every person whom has rejected me. To point the microscope inward. As well as have deep reverence for the person that has taken extra time to be with me during times of emotional upheaval and dark energy turns. More awareness that my behavior was so removed from my own inner compass, but continually distorting my self image to make it contextually alright. We are all doing our best here. But the certainty I had built my life around was holding me back. Self deception can lead you a long way from home. Information and knowledge and labels can be comfy, but may be a refuge to avoid the unknown. The clarity of my dreams and vision were all gift wrapped in the fear that if I had it all planned out, someone would love me for the cardboard cut out I claimed to be. Holy moly. So funny. So, as I sit in my used Kohl’s patio furniture, I can feel the sun on my skin again for the very first time. A spot that is so much more honest and humble to my situation. A spot that respects the person I am and what I have been through. But is done using that as an excuse to pity myself or create stories that make me feel better about my present situation. I finally met myself exactly where I am. How refreshing, to not need to be so damn perfect or expect so much of myself here now, hot and ready. Feel the pressure fall off your shoulders in relief. I love this metaphor. And I love feeling united with, empowered by, and inspired towards a future that gets to build this house. Anew, from scratch. With my own imagination. Thats exciting! And to recognize that the things and people that I was trying to convince my house was a home, were not right for me and were right for leaving. Because that shit stinks! P U. The self mockery feels so delightful. I have lived my life around the mentality that some soulmate would pop up and save me. Fantasies in la la land. I’m waking up to the reality of my mission. My purpose to appreciate every moment a little bit deeper. To embody the values that I strive to create as a foundation moving forward. To appreciate the gifts my family passed along of this life, and to discern what I want to carry with. What is light. And on the other end of the spectrum, to realize and appreciate the divine timing of all of it. We don’t find people, our energy finds us in the right spot together. Who knows where in the journey, you meet someone who impacts your life or deeply affects you. It could be at square one, or your house could be finished. But we have to keep building. And digging. Uncovering, and fastening to a foundation that will last. That can weather storms, and sustain life. True life, eyes wide open and grateful to what we have the privilege of creating.